Sunday, December 29, 2013

Understanding Feline Superiority



     Understanding Feline Superiority

     Before I begin, it must be made clear that this is not an exposition on how cats are better than dogs.  It is an age-old, useless argument, as cats and dogs are two very different creatures who affect our lives in very different ways.  One may as well argue the benefits of a jackhammer versus a peach cobbler.  In short, it makes no sense.  No, what I am going to attempt to make clear is how the feline species is, in almost every way imaginable, superior to that of the human race.

     First of all, I own a cat.  As a matter of fact, I own several, so from an observer’s standpoint, my opinion can be considered expert.  During this time of careful observation and attentive consideration, I have noticed a good many things that have proven to me that these cats are, indeed, higher up on the food chain than we naked apes, and moreover, they know it.


     One morning, whilst feeding my cats, it occurred to me that these little buggers rely on me for their very survival.  Being unable to work the can-opener or even the more modern pull-tab on the cat food tin, they would undoubtedly starve were it not for my benevolent interference.  Oh, what a vain fool I was.  You see, it was then that I remembered that the first cat brought into the family was a stray from outside.  It had survived through the harshest of weather using only her claws, teeth and cunning to catch mice on the run or birds about to take flight.  The memory forced me to realize that, even in my absence, these cats are such born hunters and survivors that starvation would be little problem for them.  On the other hand, I can take a $40 fishing rod, a $60 reel and $15 worth of bait from the local shop, go down to the lake, (a $5.00 entrance fee), and utilize my $25 dollar fishing license to try and catch my meal.  Four hours and $145 later, I will, more often than not, be buying groceries on the way home.


     Physically speaking, there is no contest, of course.  We humans are by nature larger than the average house-cat.  This gives us a false feeling of superiority because we wrongfully think that we could overpower them at any time we choose.  To test this theory, I defy anyone to attempt to give their cat a bath.  Please note that if you try this foolhardy act, I am in no way responsible for your hospital bills.  To try and gauge just how incredibly lithe and nimble these creatures are, though, one must simply sit still and observe as a cat amuses itself around the house with nothing but gravity and its’ ability to ignore the effects of it.

     My cats, I am sure, are the Parkour champions of the universe.  I have watched them slide under an open drawer, propel off the baseboard, leap off of said drawer against the wall, (while spinning in mid-air, mind you).  They then proceed to interrupt their inertia by touching the curtain rod and end up perched on top of the bookcase that I need a step stool to reach!  In contrast, I become winded whilst walking up the stairs and on more occasions than not, trip whilst descending.  Both of which, I know, my cats find utterly amusing.


     In making this argument to friends and colleagues, it is often brought up that we, as humans have conquered activities like writing and art…that we have developed science and technology far beyond the intellectual grasp of even the brightest feline.  We’ve invented business and medicines and transportation and have even “conquered the stars.”  My response to this is that we have done all of these things in order to make our lives more comfortable.  We take medicine and put up with day-to-day business so that, at the end of the day, we can lay around the house, all warm and content.  I then look at my cats, whose days are filled with nothing but lying around the house feeling all warm and content.  I must ask you, then: who leads a superior life?

     Also, it cannot be overstated that my cats share a common lineage with the majestic lion, the lightning-fast cheetah, the impressive panther and the grand Bengal Tiger. 
Humans, on the other hand, share a common lineage with Justin Bieber and the guy who invented telemarketing.


     Thankfully, our feline overlords are more than happy to let us lead our lives of blissful ignorance as to life and our place in it.  Though they could most assuredly change their minds at any time and overthrow the human race as if we were just another ball of yarn, I do not think that this is a fear that will ever be realized.  For thankfully, it seems as if we amuse them.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a litter box calling that simply is not going to clean itself.

1 comment: