Understanding Feline Superiority
Before I begin, it must be made clear that this is not an exposition on
how cats are better than dogs. It is an
age-old, useless argument, as cats and dogs are two very different creatures
who affect our lives in very different ways.
One may as well argue the benefits of a jackhammer versus a peach
cobbler. In short, it makes no
sense. No, what I am going to attempt to
make clear is how the feline species is, in almost every way imaginable,
superior to that of the human race.
First of all, I own a cat. As a
matter of fact, I own several, so from an observer’s standpoint, my opinion can
be considered expert. During this time
of careful observation and attentive consideration, I have noticed a good many
things that have proven to me that these cats are, indeed, higher up on the
food chain than we naked apes, and moreover, they know it.
One morning, whilst feeding my cats, it occurred to me that these little
buggers rely on me for their very survival.
Being unable to work the can-opener or even the more modern pull-tab on
the cat food tin, they would undoubtedly starve were it not for my benevolent
interference. Oh, what a vain fool I
was. You see, it was then that I
remembered that the first cat brought into the family was a stray from outside. It had survived through the harshest of
weather using only her claws, teeth and cunning to catch mice on the run or
birds about to take flight. The memory
forced me to realize that, even in my absence, these cats are such born hunters
and survivors that starvation would be little problem for them. On the other hand, I can take a $40 fishing
rod, a $60 reel and $15 worth of bait from the local shop, go down to the lake,
(a $5.00 entrance fee), and utilize my $25 dollar fishing license to try and catch
my meal. Four hours and $145 later, I
will, more often than not, be buying groceries on the way home.
Physically speaking, there is no contest, of course. We humans are by nature larger than the
average house-cat. This gives us a false
feeling of superiority because we wrongfully think that we could overpower them
at any time we choose. To test this
theory, I defy anyone to attempt to give their cat a bath. Please note that if you try this foolhardy
act, I am in no way responsible for your hospital bills. To try and gauge just how incredibly lithe
and nimble these creatures are, though, one must simply sit still and observe
as a cat amuses itself around the house with nothing but gravity and its’
ability to ignore the effects of it.
My cats, I am sure, are the Parkour champions of the universe. I have watched them slide under an open
drawer, propel off the baseboard, leap off of said drawer against the wall,
(while spinning in mid-air, mind you).
They then proceed to interrupt their inertia by touching the curtain rod
and end up perched on top of the bookcase that I need a step stool to
reach! In contrast, I become winded
whilst walking up the stairs and on more occasions than not, trip whilst
descending. Both of which, I know, my
cats find utterly amusing.
In making this argument to friends and colleagues, it is often brought
up that we, as humans have conquered activities like writing and art…that we
have developed science and technology far beyond the intellectual grasp of even
the brightest feline. We’ve invented
business and medicines and transportation and have even “conquered the
stars.” My response to this is that we
have done all of these things in order to make our lives more comfortable. We take medicine and put up with day-to-day
business so that, at the end of the day, we can lay around the house, all warm
and content. I then look at my cats,
whose days are filled with nothing but lying
around the house feeling all warm and content.
I must ask you, then: who leads a superior life?
Also, it cannot be overstated that my cats share a common lineage with
the majestic lion, the lightning-fast cheetah, the impressive panther and the
grand Bengal Tiger.
Humans, on the other
hand, share a common lineage with Justin Bieber and the guy who invented
telemarketing.
Thankfully, our feline overlords are more than happy to let us lead our
lives of blissful ignorance as to life and our place in it. Though they could most assuredly change their
minds at any time and overthrow the human race as if we were just another ball
of yarn, I do not think that this is a fear that will ever be realized. For thankfully, it seems as if we amuse
them. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s
a litter box calling that simply is not going to clean itself.
"I could kill you with a thought!"
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